Our advice: the next time you feel like getting into an argument with someone, go outside and make your case to a tree. At the very least you’ll get some fresh air. And the tree will be just as receptive to your approach.

Or better still, forget the argument and instead consider the science of persuasion. It may seem like a lot of steps, but once you master this, you’ll not only get more adept, it will truly change your life. Because, to repeat, we humans argue. A lot. And sometimes it actually matters.

OK, here’s how to change someone’s mind using persuasion.

Step 0: Ask Why?

This is Step 0 because it suggests you first ask yourself if the source if the argument is really worth it. If you can drop it, drop it. The future holds endless sources of friction with an endless number of combatants, so if it’s not really all that important, save the relationship, sacrifice the argument.

Step 1: Start With Yourself

Weird that you should start with yourself, right? Only, it isn’t. Because by recognizing your own rich tradition of being wrong you’ll be open to the idea you might not be entirely right this time either. Ah, humility, the WD-40 of human relationships.

Step 2: Play Offense AND Defense

There’s an old cautionary about lawyers never asking a question in court they don’t already know the answer to. So in this instance, do you really have all the facts at your disposal, or is some of your argument based on conjecture, third-person here-say, or plain-old raw emotion? If you’re not certain the glove will fit, perhaps it’s time to reconsider your case.

Step 3: Change Positions

Another legal practice: argue the other side before you argue your side. As you argue the issue from your opponent’s perspective, you’ll discover something interesting: you’ll start elaborating on your own position and perhaps punch a few holes in your case.

Persuasion research demonstrates that we form opinions from either a central or peripheral route. If you’re doing a deep dive, gathering data, considering what’s valid, and basically ‘doing the work’ before coming to your own conclusions, you’re using the central route. Alternatively, if you’re basing your position on the opinions, thoughts, and judgments of others, you’re coming at things peripherally. The peripheral route is also influenced by repetition – if we hear something over and over, it carries added weight. Needless to say, peripheral is a bit sketchy. 

Step 5: Ask & Listen

Stephen Covey famously stated that the cornerstone to successful relationships is to seek first to understand, then to be understood.

In other words, do your best to understand – truly understand – where your opponent is coming from. By asking and listening, you tell the other that you’re genuinely eager to reach consensus and not merely win an argument. 

Step 6: Make Your Case

Adult Learning Theory proves that people learn best when they feel safe (by safe here we mean the ego doesn’t feel threatened). The most effective mode of learning is internally motivated and self-directed. This creates a sense of ownership in the process. It’s also best to learn in problem-solving situations where we move from theory to practice. 

So instead of a brute force attack of logic and ‘truth’ (yours, of course), you gently and unemotionally assist the other – with facts, data, etc., to arrive at their own conclusions which, ideally, jibe with your own. This short video is a terrific example of this process in action.

Otherwise, get out there and argue with the trees. They can take it.